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Our Yearly Dementia Test--- only 4 questions:

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As
we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you
lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the
last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may
have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it
or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made
your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1.
What do you put in a toaster?


Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do
something else…
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to
Question 2.

2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink? 


Answer:
Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.
Your
brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading
more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said
'water', proceed to question 3.
3.
If a red house is made from red bricks and

A blue house is made from blue
bricks and
A pink house is made from pink bricks and
A black house is
made from black bricks,
What is a green house made from?
 

Answer:
Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said 'green bricks,' why are you
still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
 
4. Without using a calculator
-
You are driving a bus from London to Milford
Haven in Wales.
In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading,
6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon,
2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people
get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, 3 people get off and
5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3
get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven...
 Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus
driver?
 
 
 Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember
your own age...
It was YOU driving the
bus!




 





Miss - understanding

 

A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round the aisles, she sees the bloke who was trying to have his wicked way with her the previous evening after they had met in a pub.
He was stacking washing powder boxes onto the shelves.
"You lying toad" she yells" last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"
"No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team"
 

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the
other kids are running around having fun kicking a football.  She takes
pity on  him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.  'Yes.' he says..  'You can go and play with the
other kids you know' she says.
 'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.
 The boy looks at her incredulously and says:- "Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"  

The Brass Band

http://www.wimp.com/brassband
/




bowling green joke 2

I have a little Satnav It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones My Satnav is my wife
 It gives me full instructions Especially how to drive
 "It's thirty miles an hour", it says "You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front And all those to the rear
And taking this into account It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then  I could turn the bugger off!!!

Alzheimer's is a long long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you.
Read the message below and prove it.
7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD!
 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15. 


An old man called Barry, practises Bowls with his pals each week, has just purchased a new pair of glasses.
On the first end, he draws four touchers. His friends are amazed. Again, on the 2nd and 3rd ends ‘4 touchers.
“Hey, Barry”, one friend asks, “what’s your secret? You’ve never bowled so well.’
‘ “Well guys, its these new bifocals. I see a small jack and a big jack.
I aim for the large one, and the rest is history.”
A few ends later, Barry needs to relieve himself so off to the toilets he goes.
When he returns, his trousers are drenched. `
`What happened Barry”
Barry, in confused voice, “I reached in and looked down, I saw a big one and a little one. I knew the big one wasn’t mine, so I put it back!”

TOM
Tom moves to a small village and soon join's the local bowls club.
All goes well and Tom soon makes many friends apart from Glenda, the village gossip.
Soon there is a rumour being spread by Glenda that Tom is an alcoholic and that she has seen his car parked outside the village pub on several occasions, and this shows he must be inside, boozing and up to no good.
Tom soon get's to hear the rumour but to everyones surprise he does not confront Glenda.
A few nights later Tom parks his car outside Glenda's house, locks it and leaves it there all night.

SHOWS YOUR AGE
Two old bowlers having a drink and a chat at the bar after their bowling game.
"You certainly played well today. How does it really feel to be 84 years old?"
"Just like a newborn baby. No hair, no teeth and I've just wet myself".


GONE HUNTING...
Two bowling friends decide to go hunting for the weekend, whilst out in the woods one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"


Morals

 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

 Moral of the story:
Bull Sh-- might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.  Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
 
(1) Not everyone who sh--- on you is your enemy.
 (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh-- is your friend.
 (3) And when you're in deep sh--, it's best to keep your mouth shut



The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing just a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. 

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,


(you are going to love this..)









" What's for dinner, Zorro?"







I rang up my local bowling club, I said "Is that the local bowling club?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."


Historical evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers (known as lawn bowling at the time). However, all the league records were unfortunately lost to antiquity. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.


From Ells,
Q. What do you call 2 robbers.
A. A pair of knickers - he he he

Half Hour Late
 A couple of weeks ago, I practised bowling with a new member.
We had fun during the practise, so I asked him if he wanted to practise next week.
He said: “Sure, but I might be a half hour late.”
The following week he shows up right on on time, and we practised, this time he plays left- handed.
I asked him if he wanted to practise again next week.
He replied: “Sure but I might be a half hour late.”
I then asked him :”How come some times you play right- handed and other times, left-handed.”
He said :”When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right- handed.”
I then ask ;”So,what if she is laying flat on her back?” “That’s when I’ll be a half hour late!” he replied


HOT SHOT


A little old man boards a bus with a bowling wood in each of his front pockets.
He sits down next to a beautiful young lady, and she can’t help but glance quizzically at the man and his bulging pockets. It’s an uneasy few minutes before, finally, the little old man can take no more.
“Bowling balls,” he nods reassuringly.
The lady seems a little shocked, and stares on. Moments later, she says: “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”


It matters not whether you Win or Lose,
What matters is whether I Win or Lose!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a bowling match


Blessed are they who can play sport

 

Blessed are they who can still be taught

Blessed are they who accept with grace

To play in any SELECTED place!!

Amen


Up and down, walking,
Often measuring, sometimes chalking
Shifting mats – keeping score,
Thirty ends, maybe more,
Aching back – tired of limb,
Cheers for others, none for him,
Night draws on, darker, darker,
No one cares for he’s the marker!



My husband took up bowling and he bragged upon the phone
about some dame called Kitty whom he couldn't leave alone
He played with Kitty, he stayed with Kitty, he picked her up without a hitch
He missed Kitty, he kissed Kitty, he even lay beside her in the ditch
So I took up bowling to win my hubby back and found that what he could do with Kitty,
I could do with Jack


REPLACEMENT WINDOWS 

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. 

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.  He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. 

Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.  So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.  Hellooooo?  It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.  There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.  He never called back.  I bet he felt like an idiot.